Why I Hate Falling in Love and Trust No One
I hate how everything works out this way. No matter how hard I try it will always end up the same. I understand that people come and go but what I will never understand is how I am always the last one standing. It is rare for me to find someone I am willing to open myself up to.
That being said, I have found a few of those special people throughout my life and each one has meant more to me than the last. But as soon as I start to think this could finally be the one for me, or begin to believe this could actually be someone to stick with me through it all, they disappear.
IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME. It all started with my father. He divorced my mom back during my freshman year of high school. That was the first time someone I really, truly cared about had betrayed my trust and left me broken inside. After that everything in my life seemed to just start falling apart. My dad moved out, my mom sold the house, I lost my home and every friend I ever made and was forced to live somewhere I would never fit in.
The first year was the hardest although it really never got any easier. I just learned to adapt. A couple months went by and I somehow managed to score a date with one of the most popular girls in school. I guess being the new kid on the block garnered me some unwanted attention. A few weeks into dating she broke it off with me.
It was nothing personal but we had our problems as most young couples do. No but seriously, she was still hung up on her ex (a complete douchebag). Cool story, right.
A little while after that and I started dating another girl. She eventually cheated on me when I was out of the country for on a mission trip. She vented about how she wanted me to treat her like her abusive father and be aggressive with her and call her names and push her around and shit like that. Apparently I was “too nice” and “not mean enough” for her. THE FUCK?! What the absolute fuck do I do to attract these kind of girls???
THE NEXT GIRLFRIEND I had lasted a few months shy of five years. She was really the one who both influenced and inspired my whole dating experience from the beginning. She was my first for so many things. It started off as any newfound relationship does, especially when you’re young, dumb and in love. Time went on and things slowly began to change. I was starting to notice things I never expected nor ever imagined would happen.
Her attitude became dangerously bipolar. On days we would argue, I would suggest separating for a few hours to catch our breath and clear our heads. In all honesty, most of the arguments we had involved her either overreacting to a situation or completely fantasizing an event in her mind. She would completely shut me out and fade into her own little world where no one else was allowed to enter.
When I would try to explain my side of the story, she would become violent. She would hit me, punch me, scratch me, and worst of all run off screaming bloody murder into the pitch black night. I am not here to relive moments of my past so I will not dive back into this part of my life because I still have nightmares about this kind of shit. Why I stuck around so long you could never understand.
She would play the pity party. Whenever I tried to take a break or cut it off with her she would threaten to runaway and commit suicide. Being a kid at this time I was completely petrified and had no idea what to do. So I stayed with her.
I AM NO STRANGER TO ABUSE. My father used to hit my mother and punch holes in the walls and my mother would in turn do the same to me. God forbid I ever did something to piss my dad off. My mother always said my dad had a drinking problem but I never caught wind of it growing up. I like to think I was just too young to realize what was going on around me.
After the divorce I noticed my mother began taking an unnatural amount of pills as orange prescription bottles began popping up throughout our new house. I remember the nights I would stay up until three in the morning fighting with her until I bled. There was a time she even tried to run me off the road on my way to the gas station.
I was the first born son in my family, named after my father, and I am alike him in more ways that I am proud to admit. He drank too much, he quickly rose to anger and he constantly said things he shouldn’t have that he could never take back. By genetics, and being the first born son (not to mention being named after him), I was passed down similar traits. I have made it a life goal of mine to never become like him in this aspect and with a great deal of effort I succeed at almost every chance I get.
EVENTUALLY I mustered up enough courage to finally end things between my girlfriend and I. When I was only a few days away from breaking the news to her the unthinkable happened. Her father had a heart attack.
This is the one night I wish I could forget more than most. I rushed over to her house before the ambulance and medical teams got there and I watched as everyone tried to save her dad. We were forced outside so the paramedics could work efficiently. Those moments felt like an eternity before me.
Her uncle, who just so happened to be on a medical rescue team, walked out of her house and came straight towards her and I, who were standing underneath a tree in the backyard. She looked him in the eyes with tears pouring out and asked him if he was going to be okay. He was pale, mortified, and with the saddest look on his face he took her by the hand and slowly shook his head from left to right. He was gone.
She fell to the ground as if the life had been drained from her body. I sat there and cried with her and her younger brother for hours. After my father left, her dad had sort of become the new father figure in my life and he always looked out for me. He understood me almost as well as his daughter did. Once he was gone, it was truly like I had lost another dad and the pain was all too much to bare.
MONTHS WENT BY and I had completely given up. I did what I had to in order to end it all and once I did, I felt as if I could finally breathe again. I felt as if my life was starting over and I had a chance to make things right again. Granted I would miss the times I spent with her, but she simply was not the one for me and there was no changing that.
Another couple weeks passed and I had met this new girl in late summer 2016 on a dating app. She lived across the country in California but that never stopped us from falling for each other. We called or FaceTimed almost every single day and that made waiting to see her so much harder. She was without a doubt one of the worst texters I have every talked to, let alone dated. Hearing her voice made up for it though.
When I finally made it out to California I met her at the airport and we spent three amazing nights together. That trip was one of the best ideas I have ever made because I took a chance that everyone said was ridiculous and it turned out to be the perfect weekend I will never forget.
Of course, all good things come to an end. I had to wake up from this fairytale I had been dreaming of nonstop for the past four months and face reality. She started becoming distant from me because distance was finally taking toll on her. She became excessively worried about how we were going to work out so far away and it really began to affect us.
REGRETTABLY I knew this was going to happen. One night while we were talking on the phone she suggested we just stop talking to each other all together, immediately. Don’t get me wrong, she was torn up and crying the entire time, and I was so hurt by what she was saying that I felt like I could barely breathe. I told her I needed a moment to calm down and that I would call her in a few minutes. We said goodbye and hung up the phone. That was the last time she ever spoke to me again.
I hate fighting more than anything in the world. When I’m arguing with someone, I like to take myself out of the equation to catch my breath and clear my mind. A lot of the time I just need to step out for a few minutes in order to figure out how I really feel and formulate the right thing to say. It happens all too often someone will try and force me into a conversation and I accidentally say the wrong thing and that mistake follows me for the rest of our relationship.
TWO MONTHS LATER. I had deleted my old profile on the dating app but as weeks went by I really started to miss the human interaction it gave me. I re-downloaded the application and setup a brand new profile for myself. This time I went all in and tried to sharpen every corner imaginable in order to give women the exactly what they wanted to hear while staying as truthful as possible. As it turns out, this time it actually paid off.
I received a direct message from a girl in California in early November. From the moment I saw her profile picture I was in love and by the time I got finished reading her description she had me completely and utterly enthralled. It took minutes for everything else in the world to fade away like it was nothing but a second thought. This girl had captivated me like none other has ever in my life.
Simple words and phrases could never describe the type of relationship we grew to have over the following weeks. Unlike the last girl I dated, she was the most phenomenal texter I have ever been blessed to come into contact with. I could honestly tell how much she yearned for my attention and this made my crave every second of conversation with her that I could possibly squeeze into a day.
THIS WAS REAL. We told one another we loved each other after only three days. Everything was above and beyond what I wanted in a girl and she continued to blow past every expectation and desire I ever had. I was head over nikes for a girl who lived over 2,000 miles away from me.
This was the first time I had ever felt truly in love with someone to the point I would do absolutely anything without question for them. I became addicted to the thought of her and the act of pleasing her in every way, shape and form. Money was never an issue and the distance between us was almost nonexistent because it felt like I had spent every moment of every day with her since the day she first messaged me.
I WAS FINALLY HAPPY. I had found the one I had been looking for all this time and I knew from the start she was the one I was going to call mine forever and always. I booked a plane ride to see her within two weeks of us meeting and I had never been so nervous before a day in my life. It was the most indescribable feeling standing there in the California airport waiting for to lay eyes on her for the first time. Then I saw her.
I was never one to believe in love at first sight, but there is no other way to phrase the feeling that came across my entire being. There she was, even more beautiful and heart-stopping than anything I had ever seen before in all my existence. Scratch everything I had ever mentioned before this very sentence and know this: the three days I spent with her were the happiest, most thrilling I have ever had. REALLY.
Leaving her remains one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Who knew if I would ever see her again? Would we work out? Could our love conquer the distance? It was all so terrifying to think of.
As soon as I got back to my apartment later that night I started planning a second trip for us to see each other because yeah, she was seriously that worth it. This time, we had her fly out to stay with me for an entire week. I took off work and (with very little convincing) skipped all my college classes just so I could spend every second I had with her, my dream girl.
Picking her up at the airport was as electrifying as the first time I saw her. I waited impatiently with her favorite flowers in hand and a look in my eyes that can only be described as being in love. She turned the corner and I saw her coming towards me like shooting star falling from the sky. FINALLY.
Everything, and I mean everything, was perfect and I could not be any fucking happier. Anything she wanted to have or do I made possible for her because I was honestly so blinded by the feeling she sent surging through my body every time she simply looked in my direction or opened her mouth. She never asked too much of me and always took my thoughts and feelings into consideration. How could I possibly ever ask for anything more?
I was living in a real world fantasy. But I was foolish. I never realized this was no dream I had conjured up.
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
Unexplainable things started happening. We woke up uneasy with each other, we let little things get the best of us, and worst of all we let it affect the rest of our precious time we had to spend together. It hurts me more than I can say to relive these memories in my head so I will spare the awful details on how the love I once loved had slowly began to deteriorate before my very eyes.
She flew back to California a few days later. Not a day had passed and I could tell something wasn’t right. I felt myself becoming paralyzed at the thought of losing her so I did everything in my power to keep her as mine. But no matter how hard I tried, begged and cried, it was too late. She was gone.
Nothing had ever hit me so hard before. I felt empty, worthless and without purpose. I had watched the love of my life walk away willingly and I never even got the chance to say goodbye. When I lost her I lost everything. I committed and invested so much of myself into her and as fast as I had fallen in love with her it was over.
I have had no contact with her or from her for a few weeks now. Every day is something new. Some days I feel like everything is okay and getting better. Others I feel my whole world crashing down and there is no escape for me. The harder it gets being alone the more dangerous my mind starts to become.
When you have it all and lose everything, how the hell do you simply start over? Even if I knew the answer to that I would never be able to forget the relationship between this girl and I because it was purely perfect when everything was okay between us. Our futures were all planned out and day by day we were taking steps to make it all a reality. I should have known my curse for dating would follow me everywhere I go.
It was pretty scary how low my life had become after she had cut me off from talking to her. I know deep down it was for the best and yeah okay I get how it would be easier this way in the long run but I honestly don’t care. I would have gave it all and gone to the ends of the earth to be with her even if it put me through hell until the day she would never have to leave my side again.
A lot of people want me to hate her. They all say she took advantage of me and only used me for a good time and the money and my stuff. I refuse to believe that because I know exactly what we had was real. I saw it and I felt it and I will never let that feeling go no matter what bullshit people try to fill my mind with.
In all seriousness I don’t even care if she did anyways. Hell, she could have completely forgotten about me already and I still wouldn’t be able to bring myself to hate her. That is just not the type of person that I am. I’m a lover not a fighter but if you fuck with me or the people I care about you better believe I will fucking destroy everything you ever held dear to you.
Something people never cease to bring is the question of how I knew she was the one for me and why this silly little relationship meant so much to me. Let me explain it this way:
- We both loved each other
- We talked 20 hours a day over the phone
- We were always honest with each other
- She was the first person I ever felt comfortable to open up to
- I told her secrets that I have never told another soul before
- She inspired me with my dreams and pushed me to become a better person
- Best of all she liked the same must as me!
And another thing. Yeah my life has been on a steady decline since we broke up but I am not looking for sympathy. I wrote this because I feel too much to keep this all locked away in my head. The past week alone I have been failing exams, missing classes, showing up late to work, getting parking tickets, stood up my a girl, seriously ill and fucking SUED. So really, there is too much going on for me to care about anything else right now.
MORAL OF THE STORY. I MISS HER EVERY DAY. I never stop thinking about her. If she ever needs me she knows I’ll be right where she left me and I’ll never hesitate to be there for her. Just because we aren’t dating doesn’t mean shit. She was still a huge part of my past and I’ll always have her back, even if she doesn’t deserve it and she cut me off completely just when I really needed her/someone most.
To help me through the incredibly difficult and ever increasing struggle I listen to music to keep my thoughts from taking over my head. These are just a few of the hundreds of others songs and things that remind me of her and the times we spent together.
1. I Prevail – Alone
“We used to have it all. It was us against the world, but now I’ve been sleeping on my own. Spending all these nights alone knowing you’re not coming home. Cause you’re running through my dreams. Its like you’re on repeat. Feels like eternity, and I can’t believe I let you in. You left me out. You left me on my own, you left me all alone. I let you in. You bled me out. You left me skin and bone. You left me all alone.”
2. Alive Like Me – Better Off
In the beginning I might have thought that I was better off without you. It only took a couple of days to realize what I was really dealing with. I still can’t believe something so perfect ended so tragically. There was so much potential and it all just disappeared before I even knew what was happening.
“I wish that I never let this fall apart because the day you’ll leave you’ll take out my heart.”
I’m a hopeless romantic. I honestly don’t know why this always happens to me but I tried so hard this time to make it all work. I can’t describe the feeling of giving your all and still not being good enough for someone who said they loved you back. She deserved more, or at least better than what I could currently offer her at such a distance. I know that.
3. Dangerkids – Invincible Summer
I called her once or twice out of habit and I pleaded with her to help me understand why this was happening. All I wanted was a reasonable explanation. She was afraid of how hard it was going to be to continue our relationship from so far away and I could never blame her for that. It was painstakingly difficult and there was no denying it.
“Cause everyone I’ve met is afraid of something. It burns too bright but hurts for nothing. We learn too young to love and let it go.”
Why she let the fear of the unknown stop us from working out I’ll never know. We can always find something to be afraid of, but as long as we had each other, we could have taken on the world. I told her from the beginning I’m tired of loving to let die. I wanted her to be the one and my last more than anything in the fucking world.
I shouldn’t be surprised that it wasn’t meant to be. It makes me wonder whether it really is me that causes all this to happen. Like what if there really is something wrong with me. It can’t be a coincidence that I am the common factor in all these people leaving. I only wish someone would stick around long enough to tell me what the problem is or try to help me overcome it.
“But to me, this is everything that I believe. I’ve been scared alone and lost and torn apart. But here we go, when everyone was losing hope. I guess we’re the kids that never let it go.”
I would have bet my life that her and I were the ones to have never let it go. I really believed it was us against the world and that every event that ever took place in my life was destined to lead me straight to her. I figure I’ve just been so mentally damaged growing up like this that all I can think about is finding someone to love and who will never leave.
4. Bring Me The Horizon – Drown
This song honestly speaks for itself. Who the hell is going to fix me if can’t fix myself? I don’t want to start all the way over again. I really don’t think it’s even worth trying and I certainly don’t have the time.
Here are a few more songs I can’t listen to without thinking about this:
Last but not least:
My exes will never read this, my father will never know how I truly feel about him, my mother will never have her perfect boy back and my friends will never understand the person that I have become. If you’re reading this, I’m not suicidal, I’m not okay, but I have not abandoned all hope. With what little faith I have left in me, I plan on holding on until the very end. This can’t be it for me. There has to be somebody out there who I am meant to be with and I’m going to find her.
Or die trying.