Back when my parents were still together, I can’t ever remember thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up, let alone my future in general. My life was just too satisfying as a kid. I had everything a child could ever ask for and more and I was too busy enjoying the life I had been blessed with to worry about anything other than the now. But that was then.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. What kind of person can change the way I did overnight like that? The person that I am today isn’t the person I grew up as. This isn’t the person I want to be. A couple of years ago if I had been offered the chance to change one thing about my life, I would have wished that none of this ever happened. Before I moved here I never listened to rap. I never cursed. I never wore all black. I never wanted to be famous. I never wanted long hair. I never wanted tattoos. I never even knew what it was like to feel pain. Something died inside of me and ever since that day, nothing has never been the same.
My favorite color was blue. I would listen to Backstreet Boys and watch Disney movies without a care in the world of what people would think of me. I would lift others up instead of trying to shut them out. Everything that ever made me happy just disappeared. Years went by and I still wasn’t okay with myself. I hated feeling the way that I did. Every day I was reminded of the past and what it used to be, and what could have been if this whole thing had just been one bad nightmare.
After countless hours of crying myself to sleep at night, I woke up one morning and told myself that I was tired of feeling this way. Being depressed was physically draining the life clean out of me, but I was done with it. From that day forward I pushed myself to be happy with everything and anything that came my way. I made it my life goal to find the good in all things. Today, I am longer sad. I broke down every barrier I ever put up and I can honestly say I am beginning to feel like my old self again. But I’m confused at the same time. I’m not happy like I should be. I don’t feel the way I want to feel. Something is missing and for the life of me I just can’t figure out what it is. I know what I want but I just don’t know how to find it. Happiness is all I care about anymore, but how can I be happy if I don’t even know what it takes to make me feel such a way?
It isn’t love I am looking for. I’m not searching for fame or fortune. I just want simplicity; a life without all the hassle the real world brings. Somewhere far, far away from all this. If you know me, you’ll know I never give up. You can bet your ass I’ll be on the pursuit of happiness until my dying day. Until then, I welcome the adventure with open arms and an open mind.
I’m done being afraid of what tomorrow may bring. I will no longer fear the inevitable. I wish for my life to stay exactly the way it is so that I may chase my greatest dream. I choose to live the life I love regardless of the journey or terrain I will face.
It’s not about where you are going. It’s how you get there.